


Milagros en diciembre

by fir8008



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 03:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1251805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fir8008/pseuds/fir8008
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Javier spends Christmas in Toronto without Yuzuru, lonely and regretful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Milagros en diciembre

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by song lyrics from EXO's "Miracles in December" album.  
> Updated on July 25, 2017 for readability.

_You have given me super powers from when you left me. … These useless super powers of mine are unable to bring you back to me._

 

Javier doesn’t know what propels him to clean his apartment. Maybe it’s because he wants to clean Yuzuru out of the dusty corners, where his laughter lingers. Maybe it’s because he needs something to do while he’s taking a break from his skating. Maybe it’s to just start fresh in a small way. Baby steps.

Javier heaves out a sigh as he opens up his closet. It feels emptier than it once did, when Yuzuru would leave his clothes at Javier’s apartment. “Just in case,” he had said cheekily, with that little grin that made Javier bend to his whims. But Yuzuru moved all of his things out when he left Toronto. Javier seizes a bunch of hangers and pulls them out of the closet. He lays them down on his bed and starts sorting. He has grabbed a bunch of his skating costumes. He peels through them, smiling softly at the memories intertwined in the fabrics.

He falters when he reaches his Aerobics Class costume. The bright colors hurt his eyes in the dullness of his room. Yuzuru had always liked that routine. He said it was funny and it made him laugh. He also liked to run his small hands over the Super Javi logo and giggle. “Super Javi,” Yuzuru would say. Batting his eyelashes, “You’ll be my superman?”

Flexing his biceps and impishly grinning, Javier would reply, “Forever.”

And Javier had been serious when he said “forever.” He would’ve been Yuzuru’s superman forever. For as long as Yuzuru wanted him in his life, Javier would’ve been anything.

Javier knew, somewhere deep down, that a time would come where they’d part from Brian, find new coaches, go their own ways. However, he didn’t foresee Yuzuru leaving so soon, nor was he ready for what Yuzuru’s absence would do to him. When Yuzuru was moving his things out, Javier’s tongue had felt like sandpaper. He’d been unable to do anything to prevent Yuzuru from leaving him.

“You’re my Super Javi,” Yuzuru had told him once, a shy smile gracing his delicate face. “You have super powers.”

Javier had played along. “Of course, I am your superman after all.”

“Right,” Yuzuru had kissed him. “My superman.”

 

_In between that half-asleep, half-awake state it seemed as though you had come to me. Thinking all night, tossing and turning all night, until the sky slowly began to lighten._

 

Javier heaves another sigh as he maneuvers his clothes back into his closet. Cleaning had made him sad. Everything was making him sad. He decided to call it a day and go to sleep. Sleep might help him. Javier buries his face in his pillow and exhales. The scent of his detergent puffs up around in his nose and he frowns. He should change the sheets. And buy a different brand of detergent. It reminds him of Yuzuru.

Javier berates himself for being so torn up over Yuzuru. He should’ve expected it. Yuzuru was an Olympic champion, his fame was reaching heights that Javier couldn’t even dream of. Brian was a great coach, but Yuzuru was getting offers from everywhere. What if he had grown tired of Canada? What if he wanted to return to Japan? There were countless reasons for Yuzuru to leave and so few for him to stay. So when Yuzuru announced that he was going to begin working with a different coach in a different country it shouldn’t have shattered Javier like it did.

But it did. And it shows up in his skating. Brian’s face creases with worry every time Javier botches jumps that were once perfect. So he suggests Javier take a little vacation, to clear out his head. “While you do that, I’ll adjust your practices.” Brian had clapped him on the shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile. “You’ll be just fine, Javi.”

Javier lifts his head up from his pillow. He knew Brian’s intentions were good. He was grateful for that. He knew Brian suggested the break so Javier could get his head back on right and, in not so many words, get over Yuzuru. However, Brian didn’t seem to know how much of Javier’s life was intertwined with Yuzuru’s. They were competitors, friends, partners, and lovers. _Lovers_. And they’d for all intents and purposes broken up when Yuzuru decided to seek training elsewhere. It stung more than falling on the ice.

 

_It’s like you’re waiting for me. It’s like you’re whispering to me. … You’re too far away. I see you, but I can’t catch you._

 

Mornings come quickly after sleepless nights. Javier showers and pads around his apartment listlessly. Yuzuru is still there. Javier can see him leaning against the kitchen countertop, curled up on his couch; waltzing in and out of the front door. Yuzuru’s scent clings to the curtains and the soft fabric of the couch and the bed sheets Javier never gets around to changing. Yuzuru took little pieces of Javier’s heart when he left, and Javier can’t get those pieces back.

Javier decides to venture outside for a walk. The air is thick with Christmas. He pulls his coat tighter around his body. Busy Canadians were bustling to and fro, loaded with shopping bags, wound up in their own worlds. Yuzuru used to love Christmas in Canada, loved dragging Javier around town with him, gawking at every little thing, wanting to eat every sweet he could find. Yuzuru had been reminiscent of a bright-eyed child and it had made Javier’s heart swell with love and affection.

Javier frowns at the scene before him. Yuzuru’s slender fingers aren’t going to intertwine with his anymore. Yuzuru isn’t going to try slipping their twined fingers into Javier’s deep coat pockets, whining about cold fingers and lack of decent gloves. Javier had let him, uncaring about the curious eyes on them. They weren’t famous enough here to draw any fan attention, but Javier wondered what they must look like to others: the tiny Japanese boy and the broad-shouldered Spaniard. They were an unlikely duo. Javier remembers the thinly veiled worry projected on Brian’s face when they began to train together. But they trained well together, they’d gone to the Olympics together. And they’d become a great pair, great enough to fall in love.

A pang of sadness throbs inside of Javier. They might have fallen in love, but it had become clear to Javier that Yuzuru was more in love with skating.

 

_The faded photos that I almost threw away, it hurts so much, I can’t look at them now. It’s another sleepless night in my dark room. … I want to hug you, what do I do?_

 

Dragging his feet, Javier stared sadly at the world around him. It felt so much colder without the warmth of a bubbly person beside him. Yuzuru’s boundless enthusiasm and easy grins had filled up so many of Javier’s days. Without them, time seemed to drag by.

When Javier got home he pulled out the shoebox he kept under his bed. Taking a steadying breath, he pulled off the lid.

And _oh_. Javier’s heart clenched at the sight. Last Christmas, Yuzuru had dragged him, begging and pleading, into a photo booth and insisted they take pictures. Javier had pretended to resist it, complaining he didn’t want to take pictures, but Yuzuru’s adorable pouting had won him over in the end though Javier wasn’t really complaining. With shaking fingers, Javier pulled out the photo strip. Without him realizing it, a lot of time had passed since he’d laid eyes on Yuzuru’s face. Now it came flooding back: the pale skin, the soft pink lips, the small nose; the glittering eyes. The face of the boy Javier was still very much in love with was overwhelming.

Javier closed up the box again, and tried to calm himself down. He tried to remind himself that pining for Yuzuru was not going to bring him back and it was not going to help Javier regain his skating confidence. Javier’s hands trembled around the box. Dare he throw them away? Discard the physical remnants of his memories in the hope it would coax along his grieving heart? No, he couldn’t. The insane part of him that entertained the preposterous notion that Yuzuru might come back said throwing away such precious memories would only cause more harm. So Javier returned the box to its place and laid back down on his bed.

He would live. He would get through this. How long had it been? Many months, though they seemed to blur together. Javier thinks he should feel silly. He was a grown man. What grown man squandered away months and months of his life – months better spent training – being depressed over a boy? Javier rolls over on his side. Tomorrow he’d go back to the rink and start training again. He would do it so when the next championship came around he could look at Yuzuru with his head held high; confident and poised. He’d skate and he wouldn’t trip over his quads. He’d be an honorable man and he’d erase the weak person he currently was.

Yes, that sounded like a good idea. He’d start tomorrow. Until then, he’d allow himself to feel a little more grief.

 

_In the blink of an eye, a year has passed quietly again. The nostalgia for you fills my heart. … Are you well? Merry, merry Christmas. I wish you an even better life._


End file.
